Unfortunate Souls of the Heater

by Matt McNish

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1.
whenever i say, "i'm good either way," do you know how i mean it? i've spent so much time imagining my life but i just sat inside throughout my childhood even at five crying all the time as unmarked seasons made their exits now through the same eyes this astonishing surprise to watch you looking wind in t-shirt start of summer walking why imagine life? there's no future get out there's only now this world's on fire people say goodbye still they're smiling putting babies into backseats through their crying oh, i'm so happy i came but i'm afraid i can't stay the thing that causes me pain looking out your window is I just want one more day where I don't have to explain a thing that causes me pain such a waste of time here comes the night clouds up in the sky hold both the light from the moon and us humans maybe some day these street names will change but for now this place is leased in yours babe make no mistake i'm tired from the day we've had but putting off our dinner for so long has kept my senses sharp what of my heart? when just before we sleep we smoke some weed and i will not believe but i'll see the depth of my feelings in the peeling of the paint from off your ceiling suddenly your eyes just before mine it's not just that i'm high this world's on fire oh, i'm so happy i came but i'm afraid i can't stay the thing that causes me pain looking out your window is I just want one more day where I don't have to explain a thing that causes me pain don't want to waste our time and you ask me if i'm cold and want the window closed no, no, no... keep it open keep it open keep it open keep it open the world is on fire the world is on fire...
2.
i never noticed an ocean spray connected all those days put down my phone these collected moments say nothing of who i am when it comes to me when will you cum? my body's thrashing in the sea are you threatened by the fascinations pulling on my sleeve? i'm out hunting for some food in open wounds that you can't eat ooh, say my name if that will help you ooh, open my eyes who will be my guru? i want to know who will love me as in the way i love the sound a bass line playing some filthy a-string who wants to love me now? when it comes to me when will you cum? my body's thrashing in the sea don't be threatened by the fascinations pulling on my sleeve i'm out hunting for some food in open wounds that you can't eat ooh, say my name if that will help you ooh, open my eyes who will be my guru? when it came to me in los angeles the year that ended everything i went out for drinks inside a place i always used to go somebody else was there who seemed so sweet but i don't know the things we did inside my sleep the things he did inside my sleep it happened while i was asleep you said you wanted to know me well this is something you should know
3.
i wanted you to love me reach out your hand and touch me you wanted to fuck me i let you so that i would see what you'd open up in me i'm learning to be like the people on tv i wish i was high i wish i was high the state is so dry i want to feel light in california aching as my phone connection is breaking up i guess i'm done with saying what i cannot take anymore wish me luck because i'm running out of love and all of my trust was gone before i knew what it was i wish i was high i wish i was high the state is so dry i want to feel light the state is as big as two and it has not forgotten you the state is as big as two and it is overcoming you i loved it when you'd take my hand and tell me stories of where you'd been those other lands i never planned to die here on this burning sand...
4.
clockwise 04:49
Someone said, “I’m not surprised,” then came the laughter right on time from the first floor with their drinks from the kitchen up through the sink through to me I’m washing my dishes I’m starting to think… It’s great that I can be somewhere no one knows you It’s great that I can be somewhere and think about you To think about you even where no one knows you But why’d I have to go so far just to think about you? No one knows me… Feeling never came out right when you asked me to describe Open window late at night drunk on wine and coffee now a clementine I’m caught in the moonlight all hung up on time The only hands on me tonight are spinning clockwise How far a thing can find itself approaching sunrise Gone further now with every night the urges and the vines, those friends of mine By sleight of hand my memory congeals the pain of life and takes our time Says, “If you can believe it, there’s beauty in strife. So do it over and over and over.” “Start it over and over and over. You’re getting older and older and older. Older and older and older…”
5.
two birds on one electric wire cutting through an autumn sky make note in mind to write this down but now i am and i don't know how i could explain what it might mean or why it seemed to be so very noteworthy to me why does everything i see go and bring me to my knees? i think i'm either gonna go to this party or die right where i stand i think i'm either gonna go to this party or die right where i stand another man taking my hand although he can't understand me closing my eyes on board the train while everybody stays awake their faces on a blue light screen and yours is featured in my dreams a memory, a memory, a memory... as the train tracks twist and bend i awake to where i've been i think i'm either gonna go to this party or die right where i stand i think i'm either gonna go to this party or die right where i stand another man taking my hand although he can't understand me i know he can't i know you can't i know he can i know you can i think i'm either gonna...
6.
in one place 04:28
yesterday told me to stay in one place spending my days in one place in one place i could use something to do what would you tell me to do? do for you in my room where i stand now craving food? tired of acting this way sick of conjuring pain with one hand i will water my plants as the other asks your plans like a web spun by the dead DNA shaping your head and your hands on my head and my head giving head summer's entered my dreams let it paint everything wanna be like the golden machine by my window seat growing leaves golden green golden green everything everything "think your plant's almost dead" isn't that what you said after i gave you head? "think your plant's almost dead" DNA shaping your head as I tasted the dead
7.
rip the pain out from the night look up at the sky moon is round and you've found that you've been holding on too tight if letting go does not feel right then let it go and just feel time let the wind make teary-eyed, your whole world tonight feel the clothes on your skin and watch the veil begin to thin see in this world so unkind you can still find these times isn't it nice to let yourself trust that something kind is with you tonight even though no one's by your side? all of your life the moon has reflected more than light the body is made to hold on tight so letting go may take some time when you're leaving work tonight, will you look up at the sky?
8.
i've been gripping the handle and i've been holding this thought: "i don't feel at home in the garden, and i don't feel at home with the guns." as i'm listening to squawking from these city birds antique shoppers: "i don't feel at home in the garden, and i don't feel at home with the guns." drop an anchor and watch it blow away find your center and find that it's not safe blame these days blame the faces framed by eye phone cases make see-ree say: "America, our Revolution's fake." "America, our Revolution's fake, but it's paid." La da da, da da... human nature is pleading for some validation of feeling "i don't feel at home in the garden, and i don't feel at home with the guns." though there's no visitations i feel such a grave expectation "i don't feel at home in the garden, and i don't feel at home with the guns." drop an anchor and watch it blow away find your center and find that it's not safe blame these days take a plane on your vacation days take flight from your fate America, our Revolution's fake America, a Reckoning awaits America, our Revolution's fake, but it's paid... Nataraja will dance and so must evolution advance but i don't feel at home in the garden, and i don't feel at home with the guns.
9.
unfortunate souls of the heater when will death bring its cold, calm relief? oh, sing to me, souls of the heater, if your screaming's intended for me. oh, do tell me if someone should save you i've a phone if you need me to call the people whose job is to save us how convenient for one and for all // the path of least resistance the path of least resistance // but no you're not screaming at all to scream is to live and you're more you tell the waves how to crash on the shore you told my glass how to break on the floor you're behind it it's just energy and it's rising through my metal pipes and finding, finding, finding you: // the path of least resistance the path of least resistance // and that's all but that's everything and how funny it still sounds like a scream makes me wonder, unfortunate souls who are listening, how my path of least resistance sounds to you...
10.
waves 04:41
under a ceiling fan that sways i have been lost for several days victim to feelings i can't trace but let's try while I can't shut my eyes like waves it seems to me like waves it seems to me like waves there comes a phase where I can't sleep i've got a job that i don't like i've got a bill to pay online the end of night in city skies but it's fine I'm fine so why can't I? like waves it seems to me like waves it seems to me like waves another phase where I can't sleep in silver lake i rode a bike and thought of jokes that you might like i saw a wolf one of those nights they bite they bite don't fight don't fight like waves it seems to me like waves it seems to me like waves you seem to show up in my dreams the tides are rising and i can't shut my eyes the tides are rising and i can't shut my eyes the tides are rising and i can't shut my eyes the tides are rising and i can't shut my eyes...
11.
pretty boy 04:09
pretty boy illinois you plan to stay forever pretty boy hear my voice i'll sing to you forever everyday stuck in place why do we say forever? no such thing wedding rings fall to the earth, not heaven... why do we say forever? it feels so good it feels so good maybe from now on i won't think maybe from now on i won't think but what if i? or what if i? or what if i? or what if i? ...

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Recorded in Chicago 2018. The world is on fire.

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released May 15, 2018

Cover art by Treavor Doherty. Special thanks to Emily Diego, Nick Favela, and Rose Boyle for creative support.

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Matt McNish Chicago, Illinois

Queer DIY musician based in Chicago.

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