OK Vacation

by Matt McNish

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1.
first you started drinking me under the table then you started talking me up but i wasn't able to be who you wanted to see you the way you wanted to be to be how you wanted to make sense of how you want to be seen i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand i really thought what i wanted was something i'd understand i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand i thought i wanted decisions made for me to carry on a good tide obliviously but now you've opened my eyes to open seas and now i want to know what's underneath me is there something wrong with me? just look close, what do you see? is there something wrong with me? just look close, what do you see? while i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand i really thought what i wanted was something i'd understand i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand were we playing a longer game? were we playing a longer game? i'm walking out of the high school but i've no keys in my hand...
2.
mouth is burning red tongue is twisting head is spinning round and round love is hurting now with wild abandon my nights are ending floorboards teach me well weep and creak and swell pleading desperately as i'm approaching destiny with wild abandon my nights are ending the true love bastard the true love bastard
3.
Chimpanzee 04:14
love is gonna take my precious time time is gonna make me love it i needlessly resist it every time chimpanzee frenetic half of me feels like i'm here to die to die in style while i'm free but i hear voices when i smoke weed don't let him come any closer cause he might see see something inside of you that you don't see don't let him cause you control what the people see but maybe you're not free just lonely you're not free just lonely chimpanzee stop holding back and see let love in oh, i've gotta get out of this now never want to see him come to doubt but love is gonna make it harder now and everything i'm feeling keeps on getting out i need to cry to cry again my god, why? if i keep crying, then he might leave so let him, could this be worth it when all i see are the things inside of me i don't want to see? don't let him come any closer cause i can't breathe but maybe all i need is to see what he sees inside me chimpanzee let love in love is free so give it and take it please
4.
internet of regret, i reveal my home address what's the best place nearby i could have a good time? internet, is there a cat cafe escape room that you'd recommend? oh, and when does that arcade bar open up? i want to play with my friends just like when we were young nostalgia's run me down to the end of the rope of the hope that I might know myself as good as you do as good as you as good as you do internet of regret internet c'mon make me a playlist for the road c'mon, c'mon play me the sweet sounds of the artists i should know based on my age and race and purchases i've made discover weekly that i'm a feedback loop you've made in your image from the data that i gave and i gave who knows what i'd listen to without you? who knows what i'd listen to without you?
5.
you're coming up short a little but you're coming up wiser still beginning to form a little will you'll not just defer to someone else's will except when you will cause sometimes you will when love makes you ill what strange little thoughts have you got? and what strange little thoughts have i caught? i sell myself short a little i'm coming up wiser still i want to transform a little more still so bring me to form and do what you will lover, do what you will do what you will lover, do as you will but whose little thumb are we under? and what strange little spell is she under? just one more time a little just one more time a little more still until we die, if ever you're ill, i don't want to cry but in the course of this loving you i need to... of course i will lover, of course i will of course i will of course i will
6.
where he touches with his fingers a feeling kind of lingers i know mom and dad would kill me but my body's like a touch screen eating lunch at different tables i'm looking over when i'm able he must be saying something funny i'm not feeling very hungry swallowing a stone inside my throat i feel so unknown inside my home i feel so unknown all alone inside my home with the unknown "what is it? do you like hate me?" i sent the message and i can't sleep zooming in on someone's beauty reading comments without feeling put it all aside and let my eyes adjust to the night let my eyes adjust to the night remember... riding shotgun to a song i let define me windows down as all the houses blurred behind me and just beside me he was smiling flash of lightning and i was trying to extend each second time can be so cold like the ice cream cone i got an ice cream cone and then he drove me home back to the unknown
7.
what do you think of me, my english grandmother? in your swimming pool i learned how not to breathe such clarity there underwater like a baby in a belly of cool chlorine if the casualties could see me floating casually, what would they think? summer's ending, i feel bored the united states is still at war the scars of history ignored storing porn inside the drawer burn the histories of your enemies jump off the porch summer's ending, i feel bored of watching boys play games of war what do you think of it all, english grandmother? to see the bombs on the screen like your london dreams? under the sycamore shade aimless backyard play another sun sets we're racing towards what we hate watching a pool get covered up just like a body does when it is done growing up summer's ending, i feel bored but how about you children of war? the scars of history ignored storing porn inside the drawer burn the histories of your enemies jump off the porch summer's ending, i feel bored of watching boys play games of war
8.
open your eyes and say goodnight to everything you knew the start of every line traces back to you feel the quake of ancient humans awaken in alarm, there are no more stars in alarm, there are no more stars collect the bottles by the neck it's best if you forget that you will not forget what happens soon as in trashy slasher films, you're a victim in a car that won't fucking start in a car that won't fucking start in the dark... vacant wandering heart put your feet on my shopping cart and i'll push it hard i'll push it hard i'll push it harder flying far, flying far, flying farther open your eyes, the parking lot is full of love for you but you never accept love's offers you are the tiny earthquakes after the main disaster calm compared to what you came from so calm compared to what you came from
9.
now that it's happened, how can it change? i feel like i'm missing the point again it seems that i've been losing weight how curious of all my friends to congratulate ooh... until i've chosen where i'll spend the night i'll sit very still as i pretend to write in this cafe the things i'd never say then realize the reasons why it works out that way ooh... then love takes the form from my hand and changes the form i had planned i love you and... what word comes next, baby? i love you and... what words come next, baby? i love you and... is that the end? i love you and... is that the end? i love you and...

about

Among other things, this album is about not really knowing what you want.

Recorded in Chicago 2019.

credits

released September 20, 2019

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Matt McNish Chicago, Illinois

Queer DIY musician based in Chicago.

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