I Don't Feel At Home In The Garden

by Matt McNish

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about

An existential piece about time. Self-produced and recorded in Chicago 2017.

credits

released February 2, 2018

Special thanks to Matt Myers for creative support and to Emily Diego for helping to compile the track list (and singing backup vocals on the title track).

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Matt McNish Chicago, Illinois

musician and comedian, trying to get by, etc. etc.

please email me!
i like to hear from people.

mattmcnish.com

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Track Name: Los Angeles
I ran around assuming
I'd grow in light of losing
My notes are overflowing
with thoughts on where I'm going

I give myself away each day
Time always has a way -
is that what they say
will make it okay?

I've read of men and women
who've been in my position
I'm told it's part of living
and that death can be forgiving

I guess it's hard to say
I made a mistake
I guess it's hard to say
that all of my pain
would have just gone away
if I'd stayed

When men catch my gaze,
I hide my face
You know the way,
it's still the same
despite how I've changed...

Have I changed?

I walked around this city
and found it all a pity
So many men seemed lonely
I wanted you to hold me

I ran around assuming
I'd grow in light of losing
In loss, I've started learning
and now there's no returning

La da da da...
Track Name: Shapes
Drifting through a party
where I’m alone tonight
Our live were lived in fragments
I’ve left them all behind

I’ll get my story straight
just give me some space
I’ll get my story straight
just give me some space

Ooh, I’m dancing with shapes
Ooh, they’re looking my way

And I cannot call out your name
because I am drunk or insane (sry)
If everyone here knew my pain,
what would they say?

"If you want love, we’re not surprised.
If you want love, we’re not surprised.
We come here for love most every night.
If you want love, we’re not surprised.”

Leaving the apartment
and breathing in the night
There’s loneliness in talking
so walk alone tonight

There must be some mistake
I’ve lied to his face
There must be some mistake
I’ve lied to your face

Ooh, like dancing for rain
Ooh, then leaving the state

The people I’ve hurt on my way
because I was drunk or insane
If everyone here knew my pain,
what would they say?

"If you want love, we’re not surprised.
If you want love, we’re not surprised.
We come here for love most every night.
If you want love, we’re not surprised.”
Track Name: Hometown
I have daydreams of making a boyfriend
on some ivy-covered porch
in my hometown where I am alone now
cursing all who’ve passed this torch.

At seventeen, this house is burning me down…

So I’m running out the front door
I go jogging late at night
I feel strong when I feel heart rate
under palm of starry skies.

In my life, will I become someone I’d like?

Saving my fate
for another age
Saving my fate
for another age

I find comfort in the indifference
fragile faces against the chill
city sidewalk, sober and thinking
about money even still.

I’m twenty-six, will I ever fix this?

Saving my fate
for another age
Saving my fate
for another age

Watch my face change
Watch my face change
Watch my face change
Watch my fate change
Track Name: Mars
Midnight
on a park bench
watching Mars
with jaw clenched
because Jenny
is leaving

Sitting
in her office
Audrey
is feeling nauseous
because Jenny
is leaving

California
is not far away
Maybe in time
she’ll call up
and say, “It didn’t work out,”
and, “I’m in town today,”
but here they are now
packing clothes away…

Infomercial
watching
Audrey feels
like talking
but Jenny
is sleeping
but Jenny
is dreaming

California
is so far away
and here you are now
in that dress she gave
You can’t make any sense
of your life these days
Look at the phone
hope to see her name

You want that feeling back again…

from when you were a child
and evening came
like horses wild
and Daddy’d sing,
“So long, goodnight…”
when he was still alive.
Track Name: Clockwise
Someone said,
“I’m not surprised,”
then came the laughter
right on time

from the first floor
with their drinks
from the kitchen
up through the sink
through to me

I’m washing my dishes
I’m starting to think…

It’s great that I can be somewhere
no one knows you
It’s great that I can be somewhere
and think about you
To think about you even where
no one knows you
But why’d I have to go so far
just to think about you?

No one knows me…

Feeling never
came out right
when you asked me
to describe

Open window
late at night
drunk on wine
and coffee now
a clementine

I’m caught in the moonlight
all hung up on time

The only hands on me tonight
are spinning clockwise
How far a thing can find itself
approaching sunrise
Gone further now with every night
the urges and the vines, those friends of mine
By sleight of hand my memory
congeals the pain of life and takes our time

Says, “If you can believe it,
there’s beauty in strife.
So do it over and over
and over.”

“Start it over and over
and over.
You’re getting older and older
and older.
Older and older and older…”
Track Name: I Don't Feel At Home In The Garden
Oh God, the things that I’ve planned
my cable debut, the rock in my band.

Will I be recognized while I am still alive,
or will I come and go through life?
Dead voices just like mine…
(La la la, la la la)
Dead voices join in choir
(La la la, la la la)

Oh God, I’ve grown out my hair
playing songs on my guitar
that vanish in the air.

As sure as I am singing live
within this space and time,
so will I die
so why don’t I play with this voice of mine?
(La la la, la la la)
While I am still alive?
(La la la, la la la)

I don’t feel at home in the garden,
and I don’t feel at home with the guns.

Oh God, the things that I’ve planned
I guess I’ll adjust, start over again.

No one sings along if they
have never heard the song
and no one plays your song unless
there’s money to be made

(La la la, la la la)
when songs of yours are played
(La la la, la la la)
I guess I better play
(La la la, la la la)
No money to be made
(La la la, la la la)

I don’t feel at home in the garden,
and I don’t feel at home with the guns.
Track Name: Vietnam's Bad Dreams
In the borders of the mind
I can look out and celebrate your life
In the borders of the mind
I can make sense of what you left behind

A father sees beyond his needs
but you were lost in the weeds beyond your means
and we don't practice honesty
but I need to understand the world you've seen

The fallen reeds
Soldiers in the trees
Vietnam's bad dreams
All came before me

In truth at times I feel the bite
and I lose all sense of what was wrong or right
This barking dog, this neighbor's light,
all seem more real to me than your whole life

Can we make that right?
Before I lose my mind?
Every single night
are we losing time?

Daddy please,
some honesty
Lay your memory at my feet

The fallen reeds
Soldiers in the trees
Vietnam's bad dreams
All came before me

All came before me...
Track Name: Seeing A Man I Loved In Pictures
Love is one thing
but heartbreak is another.

Seeing a man I loved in pictures
when he was younger
before he knew me

the knowledge
increases the beauty…

The day we meet
we both will be
lonely, won’t we?
Has generosity
reached a hand to me?

Oh, everything is so
meant to be but temporary.

Oh, why would that be?
Oh, why would that be?

When it is night
and I turn on the light
I decide to look in the mirror

My body is mine
but there’s something else inside.
See, all of my life
I have brought someone else inside…

The day we meet
we both will be
lonely, won’t we?

Has generosity
reached a hand to me?

Is everything just meant to be but temporary?

Oh, why would that be?
Oh, why would that be?
Oh, why would that be?

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