I Don't Feel At Home In The Garden

by Matt McNish

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distortiontm A deep, haunting reflection of human existence, love, and pain. Favorite track: Shapes.
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1.
2.
Los Angeles 05:22
I ran around assuming I'd grow in light of losing My notes are overflowing with thoughts on where I'm going I give myself away each day Time always has a way - is that what they say will make it okay? I've read of men and women who've been in my position I'm told it's part of living and that death can be forgiving I guess it's hard to say I made a mistake I guess it's hard to say that all of my pain would have just gone away if I'd stayed When men catch my gaze, I hide my face You know the way, it's still the same despite how I've changed... Have I changed? I walked around this city and found it all a pity So many men seemed lonely I wanted you to hold me I ran around assuming I'd grow in light of losing In loss, I've started learning and now there's no returning La da da da...
3.
Shapes 05:08
Drifting through a party where I’m alone tonight Our live were lived in fragments I’ve left them all behind I’ll get my story straight just give me some space I’ll get my story straight just give me some space Ooh, I’m dancing with shapes Ooh, they’re looking my way And I cannot call out your name because I am drunk or insane (sry) If everyone here knew my pain, what would they say? "If you want love, we’re not surprised. If you want love, we’re not surprised. We come here for love most every night. If you want love, we’re not surprised.” Leaving the apartment and breathing in the night There’s loneliness in talking so walk alone tonight There must be some mistake I’ve lied to his face There must be some mistake I’ve lied to your face Ooh, like dancing for rain Ooh, then leaving the state The people I’ve hurt on my way because I was drunk or insane If everyone here knew my pain, what would they say? "If you want love, we’re not surprised. If you want love, we’re not surprised. We come here for love most every night. If you want love, we’re not surprised.”
4.
Hometown 06:11
I have daydreams of making a boyfriend on some ivy-covered porch in my hometown where I am alone now cursing all who’ve passed this torch. At seventeen, this house is burning me down… So I’m running out the front door I go jogging late at night I feel strong when I feel heart rate under palm of starry skies. In my life, will I become someone I’d like? Saving my fate for another age Saving my fate for another age I find comfort in the indifference fragile faces against the chill city sidewalk, sober and thinking about money even still. I’m twenty-six, will I ever fix this? Saving my fate for another age Saving my fate for another age Watch my face change Watch my face change Watch my face change Watch my fate change
5.
Mars 04:12
Midnight on a park bench watching Mars with jaw clenched because Jenny is leaving Sitting in her office Audrey is feeling nauseous because Jenny is leaving California is not far away Maybe in time she’ll call up and say, “It didn’t work out,” and, “I’m in town today,” but here they are now packing clothes away… 
Infomercial watching Audrey feels like talking but Jenny is sleeping but Jenny is dreaming California is so far away and here you are now in that dress she gave You can’t make any sense of your life these days Look at the phone hope to see her name You want that feeling back again… from when you were a child and evening came like horses wild and Daddy’d sing, “So long, goodnight…” when he was still alive.
6.
Clockwise 04:45
Someone said, “I’m not surprised,” then came the laughter right on time from the first floor with their drinks from the kitchen up through the sink through to me I’m washing my dishes I’m starting to think… It’s great that I can be somewhere no one knows you It’s great that I can be somewhere and think about you To think about you even where no one knows you But why’d I have to go so far just to think about you? No one knows me… Feeling never came out right when you asked me to describe Open window late at night drunk on wine and coffee now a clementine I’m caught in the moonlight all hung up on time The only hands on me tonight are spinning clockwise How far a thing can find itself approaching sunrise Gone further now with every night the urges and the vines, those friends of mine By sleight of hand my memory congeals the pain of life and takes our time Says, “If you can believe it, there’s beauty in strife. So do it over and over and over.” “Start it over and over and over. You’re getting older and older and older. Older and older and older…”
7.
Oh God, the things that I’ve planned my cable debut, the rock in my band. Will I be recognized while I am still alive, or will I come and go through life? Dead voices just like mine… (La la la, la la la) Dead voices join in choir (La la la, la la la) Oh God, I’ve grown out my hair playing songs on my guitar that vanish in the air. As sure as I am singing live within this space and time, so will I die so why don’t I play with this voice of mine? (La la la, la la la) While I am still alive? (La la la, la la la) I don’t feel at home in the garden, and I don’t feel at home with the guns. Oh God, the things that I’ve planned I guess I’ll adjust, start over again. No one sings along if they have never heard the song and no one plays your song unless there’s money to be made (La la la, la la la) when songs of yours are played (La la la, la la la) I guess I better play (La la la, la la la) No money to be made (La la la, la la la) I don’t feel at home in the garden, and I don’t feel at home with the guns.
8.
Tremble 04:26
9.
In the borders of the mind I can look out and celebrate your life In the borders of the mind I can make sense of what you left behind A father sees beyond his needs but you were lost in the weeds beyond your means and we don't practice honesty but I need to understand the world you've seen The fallen reeds Soldiers in the trees Vietnam's bad dreams All came before me In truth at times I feel the bite and I lose all sense of what was wrong or right This barking dog, this neighbor's light, all seem more real to me than your whole life Can we make that right? Before I lose my mind? Every single night are we losing time? Daddy please, some honesty Lay your memory at my feet The fallen reeds Soldiers in the trees Vietnam's bad dreams All came before me All came before me...
10.
Love is one thing but heartbreak is another. Seeing a man I loved in pictures when he was younger before he knew me the knowledge increases the beauty… The day we meet we both will be lonely, won’t we? Has generosity reached a hand to me? Oh, everything is so meant to be but temporary. Oh, why would that be? Oh, why would that be? When it is night and I turn on the light I decide to look in the mirror My body is mine but there’s something else inside. See, all of my life I have brought someone else inside… The day we meet we both will be lonely, won’t we? Has generosity reached a hand to me? Is everything just meant to be but temporary? Oh, why would that be? Oh, why would that be? Oh, why would that be?

about

An existential piece about time. Self-produced and recorded in Chicago 2017.

credits

released February 2, 2018

Special thanks to Matt Myers for creative support and to Emily Diego for helping to compile the track list (and singing backup vocals on the title track).

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Matt McNish Chicago, Illinois

Queer DIY musician based in Chicago.

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